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The 5 Most Pathetic Animals

05.06.09 | 6 Comments

Someone recently brought an animal to my attention that they felt the most sorry for: seals. While their reasoning at the time was understandable and hardly arguable, I’ve realized there are a few even more pathetic animals out there. Considering the current state of my life hasn’t provided more meaningful topics to discuss, I thought I’d share:

5. The Platypus

Platypuses are actually pretty cool. They’re monotremes, semi-aquatic, and males shoot venom. Why are they on this list? Because they look ridiculous.

Honestly, if you’re questioning religion and don’t want to read The God Delusion, go see a platypus. They’re proof enough that God doesn’t exist, or that He/She is a raging stoner. They also support my theory that someone was backseat Creating:

God: Man, what if I put a duck and a beaver together?!?

Backseat Creater: *looks around* Yeah…. Don’t forget otter feet!

God: Oh man, I almost forgot otter feet… I think I’m missing something…

Backseat Creater: Venom. It creates venom.

God: Shit, I’m good… ooh, munchies…

4. The Manatee

You’re a cow… in water… Cheer up. Next.

3. Hairless Animals

Generally, you’re respectable animals, but I sincerely feel sorry for you and other animals like you. It’s not your fault.

2. The Sloth

Yeah, you’ve got some wicked claws and can hang upside down from trees, but I still feel sorry for you. At first I thought it was the ridiculously unnecessary elongated arms and the incessant crawling, but now I think its the pathetic haircut and smirk on your face. Seriously, get with the times.

Also, imagining the ground sloth (giant version and recently killed off with other megafauna) makes me shiver.

1. The Blobfish

What are you going to do today blobfish?

I’m going to float around and swallow whatever floats in front of me! What? Don’t judge me!!

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